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Baby visiting for the holidays? I GOT YOU COVERED.

Baby Stuff

My brother and his kids moved down here last year so I went aunt-crazy and bought so.much.stuff. I wanted that squishy little chunk of baby at my house all the time, so I acquired this trove of baby items to accommodate him. Babies are expensive and seriously high maintenence, it was like Vespa in Spaceballs with all the junk we had to haul with us everywhere. “It’s my industrial strength diaper wipe warmer and I *CAN’T* live *WITHOUT* it!!” Pain though it was, however, said junk has served me well, and now it’s time to pass it on so my offspring can have all the ridiculously expensive electronic gadgets they think Santa is bringing them for Christmas.

Everything was used only part time and is relatively clean, from our smoke free, pet free home. (That’s only kind of a lie- my brother used to smoke a ton of pot but as far as I know he only did it in his girlfriend’s car. Also, we do have a turtle, but she was only on the booster chair one time and it was for a “turtle birthday party” which was my brother’s bright idea and I’m pretty sure he was baked AF that day, which is why it only happened that one time before I got home from work. I have thoroughly washed the booster chair since then.)

For sale:

A convertable high chair with one-hand removable tray. It rolls, and it also comes off of its perch to make a handy little booster chair. Turtles and babies agree it’s the most comfortable place to dine. $50

A little bouncy chair that vibrates. It used to have a tray, but the tray was poorly designed and didn’t detach so I may or may not have hulked it off in a fit of rage. Free with the purchase of the rest of the lot, on account of all the rage.

A walker, handy for those times when your baby is bored from sitting around doing nothing useful all afternoon and you feel like you really haven’t bashed your Achilles quite enough in the last few days and you’re jonesin for a fix. $15

A Pack n Play, which absolutely does *not* accomodate a 24 year old heavily intoxicated man, so don’t bother trying. Babies sleep here just fine though. $40

A spare car seat base for a Graco Snugride (Snug Ride?) which, hand to god this is a true story, does not include the actual car seat because aforementioned stoned brother strapped it to the back of his Schwinn cruiser to pick up a watermelon from Harris Teeter, got home, dismounted the bike, and promptly toppled the whole rig into the brick garage, spewing watermelon everywhere and staining the fabric. We read online that carseats shouldn’t be used after an accident, and after much debate over whether Gallaghering the carseat counted as a true accident, decided to err on the side of caution and threw away the seat. The base has never been in an accident because it’s always been in my car and thankfully my family only has room for one dumbass. $5

A plastic rocking horse, which has been ridden exactly one time by a guy I work with as he tried hitting on me by saying “I ride many things well” and giving me wiggly eyebrows, and has been ridden by the baby exactly zero times. (I have also ridden wiggly-eyebrows coworker exactly zero times if you care to keep count.) $10

A walk behind toy that has adjustable speed wheels so it doesn’t fly off in front of your baby. The annoying musical bit on the front actually isn’t as bad as a lot of the toys we’ve had, but it is removable for when you run out of Xanax. There is a little phone that goes with it somewhere in the house, but when I’ve sent my offspring after it, they got sidetracked playing with other baby toys and I was running out of light so I said screw it and took the picture without it. I might find it. I might not. I’m pretty sure your baby isn’t going to be brokering any high stakes deals with the phone, and the function of the toy is not affected by its absence. $10

I’m in the Pine Valley area, text or email with questions. I’m available after 3:15 pm weekdays, but my approximate window of sobriety is only about 4.5 hours long, so no texts past 8.

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2 responses to “Baby visiting for the holidays? I GOT YOU COVERED.

  1. Found you while reading The Bloggess. Hilarious! Thanks for brightening my day.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. LisaD

    OMG too friggin funny!

    Like

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